Note to Self: Hamster's Can't Digest Mexican Food
by KibatheWolf97
Summary: When Lee gets a morbidly obese hamster, he decides that feeding it tacos and dragging it around the house with a piece of dental floss is how he's going to develop a 'splendid' bond with it. It's as crazy as it sounds. Kiba, Naruto and Sasuke find out and they can't believe it either. So they attempt to get it away from Lee. The result is... pretty messed up... Rated T for languag


**Note to Self: Hamsters **_**Can't**_** Digest Mexican Food**

**((_A.N. You're about to read my strangest story that actually makes sense..._))  
**

"He got a what!?" a loud, bright voice nearly blew up the phone on the receiving end.  
"JEEZ Naruto! He got a hamster! This is like, the 5th time I've told you!" the brunette receiving end shouted back through the phone.  
"Sasuke doesn't believe he did! Imma give 'im the phone, you tell him!"  
"You're kidding me!" the brunette barked.  
Some ruffling sounds occurred and then a deeper, quieter voice was heard breathing loudly.  
"Kiba, Lee didn't get a hamster. Knock it off." Sasuke grumbled.  
"I aint messin' with ya! He's been postin' pictures of it all over the internet like it's his girlfriend!" Kiba waved his free hand around, putting his phone on speaker so he could start eating his lukewarm taco.  
"That's so lame. Why would he even want a friggin hamster?"  
Kiba's head hit the table before he could even take a bite of the greasy Mexican grub in his hand, "I don't know." the fanged boy mumbled.  
Then from the background, Naruto howled, "So what's it's NAME!?"  
Still with his head down, Kiba yelled "HAMMY THE HAMSTER!"

-Meanwhile-

"Hammy! Hammy! Hammy! You're my fuzzy youthful haaaamsterrrr!" Rock Lee sang, "Let's go for a walk, Hammy!" he held out a 7 inch piece of dental floss to the fat, brown and white hamster that sat on a jar of peanut butter. Hammy opened his mouth and bit down on the dental floss!  
"Wheeee!" Lee cheered, pulling on the floss and dragging Hammy off the peanut butter jar. The poor hamster landed on his back and couldn't flip over for it was morbidly obese.  
"Wanna go faster Hammy?" Lee cooed.  
Hammy flailed his stubby arms and legs in a desperate attempt to get up, and the floss had wedged it's way between the rodent's teeth.  
"Oh great! You're rearing to go!" Lee began to run in a circle around the table, Hammy sliding around hopelessly. "We're going to be such a splendid pair!" he laughed.

-Le transition-

"He feeds it BEEF JERKY!?" Naruto shrieked.  
"JEEZ Naruto. He gave Hammy a Slim Jim and video taped it. This is like, the 6th time I've told you!" Kiba growled.  
"Sasuke says that'll kill a hamster!"  
"I don't doubt it." Kiba sighed, "That furry little thing's gonna die before Lee can even give it a middle name!"  
"What are we supposed to do?" Naruto asked.  
"Nothing. Getting involved wont help. He's gotta learn on his own." Sasuke replied from behind Naruto.  
A goofy grin stretched across Kiba's face, "I was actually thinking we could steal it and release it into the wild where it came from."  
"WHAT? Hamsters come from the WILD!?" Naruto shrieked.  
Kiba laughed and shrugged, "Probably not. I just want to steal something."  
Then Sasuke butted in oddly enough, "So when are we going to? And how?"

-wheee-

"Hammy! Time to go back in your cage! Walk time is over!" Lee derped, picking up his exhausted hamster and carrying it into his room. He tossed the fat ball of fuzz into it's 'jail cell' and closed the door. "I'll be right back with your medicine! Don't crawl out of the little hole in the bottom right corner of your cage, okay?"  
Hammy buried himself in some shavings and Lee left.  
The little nose of the hamster twitched once and then Hammy hopped out of hiding. The little nose twitched again as an interesting smell drifted by; beady eyes shot towards the open window in Lee's room. On the window sill sat an open Taco Bell box. Inside the box was a half eaten Chalupa . Hammy then glanced at the little hole in the bottom right corner of his cage.  
Stupid Lee.  
Hammy began to waddle forwards.

-windmill transition-

"So I'll head on over to you guys' place and then we'll get started with our plan, 'kay?" Kiba smiled.  
Naruto grunted in agreement.

Kiba put on his work boots and walked across campus to Naruto and Sasuke's college dormitory. He knocked on the door and was let in quickly by Sasuke.  
"Alright, Naruto. Did you find your slingshot and your laser pointer?" Kiba asked.  
"Uh-huh." Naruto nodded, "And the cheese curls!"  
Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Wait, why do we need cheese curls?"  
"I didn't eat lunch because somebody ate both my bean tacos!" Naruto sneered at Sasuke, crossing his arms.  
"Ugh. I did you a favor." Sasuke slumped into a chair, "they were disgusting."  
Kiba chuckled and said, "Okay, you guys ready to hear the completed plan?"  
Naruto's face brightened up and Sasuke's pulled a Kristen Stewart.  
"SO. First, we're going to-"

-I love cutting people off-

"Okay Hammyhammyhamham! Would you like your vaccination or your pill first?" Lee sang as he walked back into his room, "I'm no vet but I think the vaccination might be more comfortable than the pill because I don't have to push it down your throat with a pencil."  
He approached the hamster cage, "But don't worry Hammy. The pill will cure your rabies and you wont bite Gai-sensei anymore!

Hammy never rose to the surface of the shavings.  
Lee frowned, "Fine, if you won't come out" he opened the cage door, "I'll make you come out." His hand glided around the inside the cage in search of his little friend but he found nothing.

"Hm, you're good at playing hard to get. Guess we gotta try Plan B" Lee sighed, "I know how much you like Mexican food, so that's why I bought you a Chalupa this morning. I put it on the window sill so you can't get it until I give it to you. If I put it in front of your cage, will that bring you out of your hidey place?"  
No answer, DUH.  
Lee strolled over to the window sill to get the taco, but it was about as gone as Hammy was. Even the box was gone. "Wait Hammy. The taco's supposed to be right here! Maybe someone stole it 'cause I guess I left the window open again!"  
The dopey coconut head put on a sad face and walked over to Hammy's cage, "I'm sorry Hammyham. I'll go buy you another one right now! But if you feel you're ready to come out without one, just call me on my cell phone!"  
False.  
Hammy lost his cellphone privileges when he bit Gai-sensei.

-and so we switch again-

"Sounds great, dude! Let's go! Usually Lee leaves his bedroom window open so we shouldn't have a problem getting in!" Naruto smiled, hopping to his feet  
Kiba's eyes went wide, "w-wait. How do you know that? It's only first quarter!"  
Naruto shamefully said nothing.

The three boys left the dormitory in a flash and trudged down the road towards the other student dorms.  
"Lee and Neji's room is the one closest to the Koi pond, right?" Sasuke asked.  
Naruto nodded, "Yeah! Right over there!"  
"Heh." Kiba chuckled, "Neji has classes all day… Lee's stupid Segway isn't parked out front… I guess neither of them are home!"  
"YAY!" Naruto cheered.

The guys slowly approached the single floored building. They were acting casual yet watchful, just in case anybody was around(especially the girls). Getting caught sneaking into Lee's room would mean instant destruction of your dating life.

They were close to Lee's open window when Kiba's nose began to twitch uncontrollably, "Guys! I smell… tacos?"  
"Tacos!?" Sasuke echoed.  
"TACOS!" Naruto exclaimed, pointing to a Taco Bell box on the ground under Lee's window.

The manly men approached the box with confused expressions on their faces.  
"There's still a taco in it…" Kiba stated, his nose could see right through the box, "But it doesn't smell too fresh, man."  
Naruto huffed, "Well, it doesn't hurt to check! I'm still hungry, y'know!"  
The blonde's pink hand reached down and grabbed the box. He lifted it up in front of him and then flipped the top open.

"GYAAAAHOLYSHITAAAAAAAAAAHFAA AHKFAHKFAHKFAHK!"

Naruto threw the box and it's contents to the ground and continued shrieking.  
Kiba was pacing back and forth choking on his own screams of laughter.  
Even Sasuke had a hands over his eyes and sweat was starting to pool in his temples  
"That's NOT a taco!" Kiba howled.  
"Th-that was HAMMY!" Naruto cried.  
"He's DEAD!" Sasuke hollered, "SHIT!"  
"What are we supposed to do!?" Naruto panicked, picking the box back up.  
"Not let him find out. We were going to steal it anyways!" Sasuke said, removing his hand from his eyes and approaching Naruto so he could get a better look at Hammy.  
"Yeah, but it's DEAD. It's different when it's dead!" Naruto ran a hand through his hair.

"How the actual fuck did a hamster die in a taco box?" Kiba asked, finally.

Naruto began stammering, "D-dunno. Maybe h-he… h-had c-cancer?"  
"No, like, WHY is he in a greasy box with dental floss stuck in his teeth!?"  
Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Forget it, morons. We have to get out of here."  
"Right. Do we bring Hammy?" Naruto asked.  
"Doesn't matter. Just don't let anyone see him!"  
Kiba crossed his arms, "He's in a Taco Bell box. No one's going to suspect anything!"

The boys(and Hammy's dead body) sped back to Naruto's dorm.

When they got there, they plopped down on the beds and brainstormed a new idea.  
"Y'all are gonna think I'm out of my mind but…" Kiba began, "I think it's best Lee finds out."  
"Why?!" Naruto and Sasuke chorused.  
"Because if Lee thinks Hammy just got loose and there's a chance of getting him back, he'll flood the entire village with outlaw-style wanted posters!" Kiba took a deep breath, "If he knows Hammy's dead, all he'll do is cry and not show up to class for a few days. It won't be a big problem! It's his fault for whatever he did to kill Hammy."  
"So how are we gonna tell him?" Sasuke asked.  
"Oh, _we_ wont. We'll just put it back in his house for him to discover later…" Kiba explained.  
Naruto slapped the sides of his faces, "But we gotta be quick with it, man! Lee can't catch and mistake us for the ones who killed Hammy! We'd be roadkill under his Segway's tires!"  
"Shit. You're right." Kiba nodded, "We'll just put the hamster on his doorway!"

So the boys sped BACK to Lee's dorm and placed Hammy(still lukewarm in the box) on the doorstep.  
Then Naruto got down on his knees and looked up at his friends, "Let's say a few words for the hamster."  
"Why?"  
"He didn't deserve to die." Naruto was teared up.  
"Fine." Kiba and Sasuke got down on their knees in front of the doorstep and Sasuke began to speak.  
"Uh… Hammy… you furry little fatass." Sasuke rubbed his neck, "You never had to get tacofucked by a dork like Bushy Brow… if I were in his hands I'd probably eat greasy shit till I died too…"  
Then Kiba added, "But at least you get to cross eating something bigger than you off your bucket list, man. And your coffin smells pretty damn good!"  
"Rest in piece, Hammy the Hampster." Naruto sniffled.  
Kiba rubbed Naruto's back while reassuring him, "It's okay, dude. Hammy's in a better place now. One with even more sour cream and shredded cheese."

But suddenly, the screeching of Segway tires interrupted the elegant hamster funeral.  
"Hello Kiba! Naruto! Sasuke! What brings you to eat tacos in front of my door!?" a voice cheered from about 20 feet away from the 3 boys.

"Oh no!" Naruto whined to his friends.  
"Shit." Sasuke scowled. "We gotta get out of here again."  
"NOW we can't let him see the box!" Kiba yipped,  
"No!" Sasuke snapped and pulled his friends up by their shirts. "He's coming over here! Just run!"

"YAAAAAAH!" the three boys screamed and sped off towards their dorm AGAIN; locking themselves in the bathroom and cramming themselves into the shower stall.

Back by the Koi pond, Lee put his hands on his hips and walked up to his door.  
"Hmph, how rude! They left their trash out! Oh well, I was going to clean up anyways." He picked the box up walked inside and threw Hammy's coffin into the trash.  
Then he brushed his hands on his pants and skipped down to his rook hollering,  
"Haaaammy! I'm hooome! I got you TWO juicy chalupas! Now will you come out for your rabies medicine!?"

F.I.N.

**((_A.N. Did you have fun? I have nothing against hamsters, if that's what you're wondering. This wasn't based on a true story and Hammy is not a real hamster so quit asking! xD Instead of getting butthurt, review/fave. There might be a sequel to this or something_...))**


End file.
